One of the many things Carmen taught me is that when we love and appreciate people, we must never hold back in letting them know how much we care. The call to rise with this is in learning how to give this love freely, without any expectation of receiving anything in return.

It feels as though this is one of the most tender and vulnerable aspects of what it means to live as an open-hearted human.

There have been countless instances in my life when I thought I was expressing love and appreciation without condition, only to later realize through my grief or frustration that I had been holding a subconscious expectation all along.

And yet, Carmen seemed to embody a superhuman ability to love without condition with such tenderness and grace. She was masterful in her ability to empathize, to express gratitude and appreciation, to make people feel special, to love in a way that healed the world. 

Even with the monumental challenges her life presented, her ability to emanate loving presence: to see past people's stories and straight into their hearts, to feel what was needed in the moment and respond intuitively, was unlike anything I've ever experienced in a relationship. The loving presence that she shared with me over the years continues to be such a powerful teacher and healer. 

One of the gifts of this creative journey has been experiencing ah-ha moments held within seeds of inspiration as those of living fractals, such as with this mandala.

I explored this image in congruence with the 1,024 hands beeswax mandala; as the layers of dye were drying on the Hands mandala, I was overcome with inspiration to explore the same ancestral geometric template, except instead of using hands as a representation of each ancestor, they became points of light: 8-pointed stars.

By the time the final layer of indigo dye had dried and it was time to iron off all of the wax to witness the image reveal itself for the first time, I was elated. It was one of the most fulfilling moments of my creative career in that, I had attempted this very piece on multiple occasions and kept falling short: it felt like my brain simply could not hold the demands of the geometrical and mathematical aspects of the image alongside with the elements of mystery and flow that comes through the incorporation of hot/cool and wet/dry- all this, along with PATIENCE.

As I slowly removed the ironing paper and witnessed the revealing for the first time, I realized that countless hours of my devotion to each hand’s significance had dissolved into a sea of blue. The majority of depth and dimension that I had practiced for so long to create was lost.

But what felt so fulfilling for me was to realize that I was Ok with this. The painting was not a failure; it was simply a byproduct of my devotion to the process.

The process was my prayer, and the painting is forever imprinted on my heart.

I’m encouraged to keep trying.

Ancestral Study/7 Generations no. 28
28"x28"
Indigo dye, Frankincense, Rosewater, Beeswax on Arches
2021

On view at AS220 115 Empire Street through September 25, 2021. 

These two questions became the compass and bearing for the journey ahead. I began a daily practice of establishing neurocircuitry of safety and support within my own body. Multiple times a day, I would pause and breathe and imagine the physical touch of hands offering support, and I practiced letting myself fully take in this feeling of love that I thought at the time was purely imaginal.

Eventually, it got to the point where I was imagining and sensing an entire field of supportive hands in 360 directions. I could move, leap, fall in any direction and still feel held. This practice offered a sense of liberation and freedom unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

Months in, as an interest in ancestral connection began awakening in me, I was awestruck to realize that these 1,000 hands Campbell spoke of held a close correlation with Seven Generations.

I started being pointed towards epigenetics and ancestral healing in my meditation studies. I began learning more about indigenous cultures who held the interest of Seven Generations at the forefront of their decision making. I started being shown so many ways that these concepts could marry as visual meditations that were just as healing for me to create as they were to share with the world, and I came to know these intimate, synthesizing moments of creation as those of Bliss.

I never could have imagined how this path of inquiry would lead to such intimacy and awe.

Ancestral Study No 13/1,024 hands
7”x7”
Acrylic
2021